


Glad To Be Gay

by Seika



Series: Seika misunderstands iPod challenges [2]
Category: Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: Discrimination, F/F, The Clock Tower
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-27
Updated: 2012-07-27
Packaged: 2017-11-10 20:01:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/470104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seika/pseuds/Seika
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Second part of my weird twist on the iPod challenge.</p><p>"Try and sing if you're glad to be gay, sing if you're happy that way."</p><p>Being a lesbian in a backwards society of magi isn't wonderful fun.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Glad To Be Gay

[Glad To Be Gay – Tom Robinson (Live from the Secret Policeman's Ball)](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLc-bh_DrKw)

 

It's too much.

It was difficult to accept that I was gay. But after I'd spent one too many nights thinking over a casual touch from Mitsuzuri, or Saegusa's sweet little crush, I'd come to terms with it. A certain night in a certain war only cemented that in my mind. I don't think it's something my father would have approved of, but I remember his love for me above everything else, so I like to think he'd have come around.

 _Then_ not only did I find myself at the Clock Tower with the ancestral rival of the Tōsaka, but I started thinking about her in _that_ way. Again, I went into denial for a time. I told myself it was just because I was spending too much time around her. I obviously had to beat the “stuck-up Finnish princess”, and that meant she was going to be on my mind a lot. Luvia was the one to shatter that little delusion by bluntly asking me if my “poorly-concealed blushing and stuttering” was reserved for her, or if I did it for all the girls. Whilst I stood there (probably blushing and stuttering), she stole a kiss. A quick one, but it stayed in my mind for the rest of the day.

Eventually, after various … miscommunications, which were not financially healthy for me and can't have been brilliant for her, we came to an understanding. We went on a date. And then another, and another and another. We kissed, we had sex and we made love. And for a short time, so short a time, we were blissfully happy.

But bliss is something that only comes from ignorance. And when that first rush had spent itself, that first wild whirlwind of love and desire, things became apparent to me. There were sneers in the hallways. Muttered little taunts as I went from one lecture to the next. Hostile scribblings on my work when it went unattended (if I got it back at all). People whom I'd thought were friends drew away, either because they were pressured into it or because they _wanted_ to, because they thought I was somehow now disgusting. About half of the tutors were suddenly giving me lower marks for no good reason, or denying me lab time and equipment. If I went to ask them directly, their doors would be closed. A month ago, Luvia had to pull me away from the door of one of the Eulyphis staff, lest I smash it down with an unleashed topaz gem.

She's dealt with it quite well. Even if she dropped her absurd noblewoman act back in the time of our rivalry, when it had stopped aggravating me, she still holds all the poise of one born to a title. If her friends have abandoned her, that was their loss. If the teachers are unfair to her, it must be because they were jealous or inferior. The backwards morals of this place don't seem to affect her as she holds herself above it all.

I hate it. It _seethes_ and _bubbles_ below the surface, this constant, omnipresent, dislike. Nothing – quite – enough that I can take to some higher authority (and would they be any better?) I've tried to imitate her, tried to ignore it. Certainly, I think I managed to fool the rest. _Perhaps_ I've even fooled Luvia for a while, but I don't think that can go on much longer.

So I'm giving up. I, Tōsaka Rin, who killed Herakles himself and stared him in the eye as his head grew back, cannot take this any more. At school I did my best to be the best, because I _wanted_ to excel. In battle, I've always been able to do _something_ , to call on Archer's power or strike out with the years of magical energy stockpiled in my gems. But this, this makes me feel more helpless than any of the heroes that the Grail brought forth, more even than the false priest, my treacherous teacher who gutted me.

Tomorrow I'm going to go to Luvia and tell her that it's a mistake. She won't take it easily. I think it's more likely that she'll keep coming after me. I'll have to say harsh things, hurtful things, deny that I've ever felt what I felt, deny that I've ever _been_ who I've been. And then I can get on with it, fulfil my potential as a mage. It's what I've wanted ever since I could talk, and I can't give it up now. I _can't_. Even if – for just a while, just a short while! – it means becoming part of that hateful crowd, cracking the anti-gay 'jokes' and joining the stupid, the fucking _vile_ laughter. Blending in is all I can do. Blend in and try to hold on to myself whilst I do it.

And I wonder ... how many of them are like me?

**Author's Note:**

> I really like the song, especially this ... angrier version of it (it was the first I was exposed to, on the DVDs of the Secret Policeman's Ball collection, and thus the one I actually have on my iPod). On the other hand, this was quite difficult to write, because I've never had to deal with shit like this, really. I've had the good fortune to grow up in an environment where more or less everyone didn't care about me liking girls. It's my _parents_ that cause me dread on that front, not society generally. So it was definitely an exercise to get into Rin's head here.


End file.
